I did. But I just never knew it.
I always felt FULLY available for romantic commitment; always wanting a man who wants all of me, forever. But the thing is, I never ever chose that man to love.
When that type of man came around, who wanted to love me fully and forever, I made him my friend because I didn’t feel any chemistry, or I felt overwhelmed by his uncomplicated feelings for me and had thoughts like, “𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑔𝑢𝑦 𝑖𝑠 𝑤𝑒𝑖𝑟𝑑, 𝑤ℎ𝑦 𝑑𝑜𝑒𝑠 ℎ𝑒 𝑙𝑖𝑘𝑒 𝑚𝑒 𝑠𝑜 𝑚𝑢𝑐ℎ? 𝐹*𝑐𝑘 𝑡ℎ𝑖𝑠 𝑠ℎ𝑖𝑡, 𝐼’𝑚 𝑜𝑢𝑡.” Haha.
Here’s the thing, there is a part of us in our unconscious primal brain, that often equates the unknown with death, and that part of us wants us to repeat the same patterns again and again, because it’s safe, it knows the way, and it thinks we won’t die if we go that route.
And this explains why my sweet inner child was so suspicious of any man who truly loved me and wanted to be with me for the long-haul. She has never experienced that kind of love and commitment from my Dad, so she didn’t believe it was possible to receive from a partner, regardless of what my higher self knows.
To my sweet inner child, a full loving commitment equalled death.
I came up with all types of false stories to explain my many relationships that lasted a year or less. I’d tell myself that there’s something wrong with me, that I was broken. I let myself believe that men just never choose me in the end. That when they get to know the real me, they decide that I’m not good enough. I told myself it’s better to be single.
But I never paid attention to whether the men I was picking to love actually had the 𝐀𝐁𝐈𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘 to commit to me at that point.
I know that I have a pattern of getting into “non-relationship relationships” with partially available guys and hope they picked me to love forever and ever, since that’s the transformation I’ve always wanted with my Dad. That was obvious to me.
What I wasn’t able to see is that underneath the desire to make an unavailable man available, was a deep, deep fear of commitment.
I picked men that will never fully commit to me because they actually feel safe.
They are what I know.
𝐒𝐨 𝐧𝐨𝐰, 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐠𝐨 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐢𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐫 𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐮𝐧𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐢𝐬𝐧’𝐭 𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐮𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐬𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐲, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐬𝐚𝐟𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐥𝐨𝐫𝐞??
The first coaching practice that really worked for me is an embodiment process which allows you to really, truly imagine having the thing that you most want, like reeeeeally step into it, and then work with whatever comes up in your mind/body as resistance or a block.
With each step of connecting with your fears and integrating them with love, you get closer and closer to fully embodying your desire, which is the first step to making your desire a reality.
Truly embodying your deep desire is not always easy. You might feel disgust, nausea, dizziness, pain, and feel like you just want to run away and hide (like me). And that’s ok. It’s important to continue to move through it and complete the stress cycle. And each time you practice, we get closer and closer, until one day you are able to fully embody what you want AND feel amazing, empowered, and confident. Like ANYTHING in life is possible.
You might not even recognize yourself, as you’re now effortlessly making different choices, choices that are in alignment with who you TRULY ARE!!!