Is romanic love an illusion? Is it really just two people PROJECTING ALL OVER each other?
I’ve wondered this many times in the past, because, as it turns out, most of the love I’ve been in was ENTIRELY projectional. It’s the kind of love that we’re taught about in movies and fairy tales. It’s based on immediate feelings of home and deep connection, crazy chemistry and passion, fireworks galore; my knight in shining armor. You know the drill. But surprisingly, none of those relationships worked out in the end!
Why not, you ask?
Well, it turns out, 𝗣𝗿𝗼𝗷𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗟𝗼𝘃𝗲 relationships exist to teach us and heal us, and then, more often than not, end.
Sustainable true love, or 𝗥𝗲𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗟𝗼𝘃𝗲, which is not based on projection, is the stuff that makes healthy, long-term partnerships work. It’s a love that’s based on CHOICE, not “accidentally falling”.
When we are in Relational Love, we choose and love that person because they are unmistakably different from us.
But in order to understand 𝗥𝗲𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗟𝗼𝘃𝗲, we first need to understand 𝗣𝗿𝗼𝗷𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗟𝗼𝘃𝗲… So this week we’re going to discuss 2 of the 4 different kinds of projectional love (as taught by Layla Martin).
𝗧𝘄𝗶𝗻 𝗙𝗹𝗮𝗺𝗲 & 𝗦𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗺𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝗟𝗼𝘃𝗲: I know I’m in this type of love when things immediately feel super passionate and intense, like we are one person, and that something greater than us has brought us together.
It feels like essentially part of me has been searching for a part of you, and now that we’ve found each other, there’s a sense we are more whole (even if we don’t want to admit it)!!
What’s really happening is that I am falling in love with a lost part of myself. That’s why it feels like we are ONE PERSON when we are together, because this person connects me with a part of myself that’s been lost deep in my unconscious brain. And when that relationship ends, it feels like I’m viscerally losing a part of myself! Because in a way, I AM!!!
The way to consciously navigate this relationship is to regain and integrate the part of your lost self that this person has helped you discover.
𝗢𝗸, 𝘀𝗼 𝗵𝗼𝘄 𝗱𝗼 𝗜 𝗿𝗲𝗴𝗮𝗶𝗻 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗶𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗴𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝗮 𝗽𝗮𝗿𝘁 𝗼𝗳 𝗺𝘆 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗜 𝗱𝗶𝗱𝗻’𝘁 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗻 𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄 𝗲𝘅𝗶𝘀𝘁𝘀?
You see, a piece of ourselves can be lost through socialization when we are young. A piece of us that was pushed deep down through shame or the like. So, as adults, we may end up choosing partners that contain that lost piece of ourselves, even if we can’t see that with our conscious minds.
In relationships with soulmate or twin flame love, both partners typically have the same needs, but one is openly voicing their need and the other one is in denial of that same need.
If you’re the one in denial, one of the ways to integrate your lost self, is by overcoming your resistance, and fulfilling the needs of your partner, especially the ones you DO NOT want to fulfill. This not only allows your partner to heal their core childhood wounds, BUT it allows you to regain and integrate your lost self.
Next, we have 𝗣𝗮𝗿𝗲𝗻𝘁𝘀 𝗥𝗲𝘀𝗲𝗺𝗯𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗟𝗼𝘃𝗲: This is the projectional love I usually pick, haha. I know I’m in this type of love when the person feels like home or like we’ve known each other FOREVER. It typically feels that way immediately, before I know this person at all. Often, the very first time we meet. And there are always rainbows and sunshine. ☀️🌞
This is love with a partner, that in one way or another represents a combination of my parents or main caretakers, and it’s the most common form of projectional love.
𝗔 𝗴𝗿𝗲𝗮𝘁 𝗽𝗿𝗮𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗰𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝗲𝗲 𝗶𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂’𝗿𝗲 𝗶𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘁𝘆𝗽𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲 is to make a list of qualities you like and dislike about your parents and then make a list of the qualities you like and dislike about your current partner, and see how many of them align.*
These relationships are meant to heal our childhood wounds and return us to our wholeness.
These are also the types of relationships that can lead us to feel like we’re stuck in the same relationship patterns, which we keep repeating over and over again…
It is possible for this partnership to mature into a long-term, sustainable relationship if the conscious healing of childhood wounds take place.💫✨
𝗔 𝘀𝗶𝗺𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝗽𝗼𝘄𝗲𝗿𝗳𝘂𝗹 𝗽𝗿𝗮𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗰𝗲 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗰𝗮𝗻 𝗱𝗼 𝘁𝗼 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗹 𝗰𝗵𝗶𝗹𝗱𝗵𝗼𝗼𝗱 𝘄𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱𝘀: I invite you to get your phone and make a 10-min voice recording.
-For the first 5 min, you’re going to imagine that you’re speaking to yourself as a baby in your arms. Tell yourself ALL the wonderful things you, as a baby, want to hear. Say all the things you wish you had heard. Make all the commitments to yourself that you wish were made by both of your parents (𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘦𝘹𝘢𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘦: 𝘐 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘣𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶, 𝘐 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘣𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘰𝘯 𝘺𝘰𝘶, 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘰 𝘴𝘢𝘧𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘮𝘦, 𝘐 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘵𝘦𝘤𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶, 𝘐 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘶𝘯𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘥𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦, 𝘦𝘵𝘤).
-And then speak to yourself as a young kid for 5 min in the same way. Praise and celebrate yourself in all the ways that you can, for all the amazing things that you are. Especially celebrate yourself for the things that you were criticized for growing up. And then listen to this recording every morning or night.*
𝘐 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘓𝘖𝘝𝘌 𝘵𝘰 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘤𝘦𝘴 𝘨𝘰 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘳𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮 !!!
𝗜𝗳 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗶𝗻𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗺𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 on love, healing childhood wounds, and conscious and unconscious partnerships, I invite you to read “Getting the Love you Want” by Harville Hendrix PhD and “Calling in the One” by Kathrine Woodward Thomas. They are both excellent resources.
To inquire about coaching with me, please send me a message!
LOVE ALWAYS from beautiful Sayulita, MEXICO
*These practices are based on the Layla Martin VITA™ methodology